I qualify as a redneck on I don't know HOW many counts... and I personally find redneck jokes to be pretty hysterical. If you are offended by any of these, I apologize... but not too heartily!!! ((Maybe these hittoo close to home?? hehehe)) So, without furthur Ado... HERE IT IS... the entire collection!!! (647 of them as of 11/15/96!!)

***ADDED 11/14/96***

• You bought your house at a hail sale.
• Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
• Your wife has a Jell-O mold that looks like Elvis.
• You have more tattoos than teeth.
• You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
• You've ever been the third through the bathwater.
• You've never heard a toilet flush.
• You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
• You don't have a home phone.
  ***ADDED 10/31/96***
  
• You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
• You stockpile Pork & Beans.
• You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
• You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
• None of the tires on your car are the same size.
• You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
• You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
• You can take your bra off while driving.
• You shave your legs with your husband's fishing knife.
• The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
• You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
• The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
• Your horse lives in a better than you do.
• Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
• Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
• You practice fishing off your front porch.
• All your wall decorations have horns.
• You went to the gun and knife show more than once... in the same weekend.
  **Added 9/16/96**
  
• A night on the town includes city jail.
• All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
• At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
• Every room in your house is a junk room.
• It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
• Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
• People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
• People toss their garbage into your backyard because they thought it was the town dump
• The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
• The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!".
• The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
• The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
• The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
• The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
• The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet T-shirt contest.
• There are engine parts on your coffee table
• Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's accident.
• When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
• You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
• You've ever been on TV not wearing a shirt.
• You've ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
• You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
• You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
• You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom
• You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
• You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
• You've ever used a Laundromat as a mailing address.
• You've ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
• You've ever walked through a drive-through window.
• You've ever water skied in your underwear.
• You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
• You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
• You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
• You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
• You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
• You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
• You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time
• You have a Jack Daniel's poster in your living room.
• You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna
• You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
• You have more appliances in your backyard than in your house
• You have to wash your hands Before you go to the bathroom.
• You know your daddy's CB handle, but not his real name.
• You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
• You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
• You own a Waffle House credit card.
• You rip a loud one and blame your date.
• You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
• You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".
• You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in "Deliverance". You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
• You trim your beard and find a French fry.
• You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
• You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
• You wear tube socks with a dress.
• Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
• Your car alarm eats dog food.
• Your car burns more oil than gas.
• Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
• Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
• Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
• Your horse can count higher than you.
• Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
• Your mama's bra is so large they use it to measure first downs
• Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
• Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
• Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
  *End of New Stuff*
  
• A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
• A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
• After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window
• After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
• After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
• All of your four letter words are two syllables.
• All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
• An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
• Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
• Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
• Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
• Bikers back down from your momma.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Charlie Daniel's is your commencement speaker.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
• Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
• Directions to your house include : "turn off the paved road"
• During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
• Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
• Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
• Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
• Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
• Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• Flannel is your favorite color.
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• Going to the bathroom late at night involves putting on shoes and taking a flashlight.
• Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
• In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
• In the delivery room, your husband says "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
• In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
• Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
• It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
• Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
• Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick
• Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
• One of the options on your truck is a spittoon.
• One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
• People hear your car long before they see it.
• People mistakenly come to your house thinking you're having a yard sale.
• Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card
• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
• Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
• Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
• Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• The "save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
• The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
• The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
• The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniel's "over yonder in them hills."
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
• The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
• The budweiser symbol is your coat of arms
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
• The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
• The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
• The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife....and wave to her.
• The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
• The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
• The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
• The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
• The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
• The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
• The liquor store knows you by your first name.
• The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
• The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
• The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment
• The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
• The primary color of your car or truck is "Bondo"
• The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
• The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
• The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
• The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
• The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniel's.
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
• There are more cement blocks under your vehicle than under your house
• There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
• There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
• There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
• There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have lain there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the
• shotgun shells.
• There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
• There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
• There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home.
• There is a wasp nest in your living room.
• There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
• There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floor-board of your car.
• There's a pothole in the road and you swerve to hit it.
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
• When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
• When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
• You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
• You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
• You are in 6th grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
• You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the wonders of the world.
• You ask your 8-year old son how to spell a word.
• You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
• You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
• You bring your dog to work with you.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff"
• You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
• You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
• You can hit a bullseye from up to yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
• You can't mash the brake pedal in your truck for all the beer cans
• You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
• You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
• You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You consider a 6-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
• You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
• You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
• You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
• You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
• You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough through the trees to shoot the neighbor's dogs when they get into it.
• You drive around a parking lot for fun.
• You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You ever hit on somebody in a VD. clinic.
• You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
• You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
• You fish in your above-ground pool. and catch something.
• You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
• You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair
• You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
• You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
• You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
• You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
• You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
• You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
• You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
• You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• You haul more than U-Haul.
• You have 3 first names.
• You have 8 cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
• You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
• You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
• You have a gun rack on your bicycle
• You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
• You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
• You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
• You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed"
• You have barnyard animals living in your house.
• You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You have ever barbecued hamburgers at the drive-in theater
• You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
• You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
• You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out the door making sparks
• You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
• You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
• You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
• You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
• You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
• You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
• You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle
• You have ever removed the - zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
• You have ever shot a possum on your back porch. More particularly if you have ever shot a possum on your front porch.
• You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
• You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
• You have got more bumper stickers than children.
• You have grease under your toenails.
• You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
• You have more than 3 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
• You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
• You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
• You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
• You have to duct tape your gloves on.
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
• You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
• You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $5.00.
• You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
• You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
• You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
• You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
• You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum
• You list your parole officer as a reference.
• You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
• You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
• You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
• You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
• You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
• You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
• You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
• You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos"
• You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
• You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
• You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
• You own at least 4 baseball hats.
• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You own more than two clappers.
• You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
• You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland
• You put your Christmas lights up 6 weeks after taking them down.
• You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
• You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
• You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
• You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
• You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
• You repair your Styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubble gum.
• You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
• You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
• You run out of beer and your friends go home.
• You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
• You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
• You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
• You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
• You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
• You take the muffler off your new truck before you get home
• You take your dog for a walk, and you BOTH use the tree at the end of the block.
• You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
• You think "recycling" means going home from work.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
• You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups
• You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You think espresso means 8 items or less.
• You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
• You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
• You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
• You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
• You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
• You think potted meat on a saltine is a Hors d'oeuvre.
• You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
• You think Tang is in the fruit group.
• You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
• You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
• You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
• You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
• You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
• You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
• You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You think the Super Bowl is a "top of the line" bathroom fixture.
• You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
• You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy
• You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
• You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
• You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
• You thought ER was ET's cousin.
• You use a Chevy as a guest house.
• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
• You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
• You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
• You videotape fishing shows.
• You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
• You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
• You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
• You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
• You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
• You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds
• You wear a strapless dress with a bra that isn't
• You wear cowboy boots with shorts
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You write off a radiator as a business expense.
• You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
• You're an expert on worm beds.
• You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
• You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
• You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
• You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
• You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
• You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
• You're watching the Beverly Hillbillies and the mention of Granny's pickled owl gizzards throws a craving on you.
• You've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.
• You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You've ever been arrested for loitering.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You've ever been given a gun as a present.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
• You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
• You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
• You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
• You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
• You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
• You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
• You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
• You've ever had to scratch out your sister's name in a message that begins "For a good time call...."
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
• You've ever hollered "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.
• You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
• You've ever made change in the offering plate.
• You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
• You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
• You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
• You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
• You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
• You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
• You've ever used lard in bed.
• You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
• You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
• You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
• You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
• You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
• You've never paid for a haircut.
• You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
• You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
• Your 6th grade teacher asks you to shave
• Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run"
• Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
• Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
• Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
• Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
• Your back porch is bigger than your house.
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
• Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
• Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
• Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
• Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
• Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
• Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
• Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
• Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
• Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
• Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
• Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
• Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
• Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
• Your dog is your alarm clock.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• Your family business requires a lookout.
• Your family motto is "if it ain't broke, it ain't ours"
• Your family tree does not fork.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
• Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
• Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
• Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
• Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
• Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
• Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute
• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
• Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
• Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
• Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
• Your grandmother stands up to pee.
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.
• Your horse wears shoes in the summer, but you don't.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• Your house has a kickstand.
• Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
• Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
• Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
• Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
• Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
• Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else
• Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
• Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
• Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
• Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
• Your kids can't go out for Halloween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
• Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture
• Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
• Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
• Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
• Your mama hollers "jiggle the handle" when you are done in the bathroom
• Your masseuse uses lard.
• Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
• Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
• Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
• Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
• Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
• Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
• Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
• Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
• Your neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
• Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
• Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
• Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show"
• Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
• Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
• Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
• Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
• Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
• Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• Your screen door has no screen.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
• Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
• Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
• Your Truck is insured by Smith & Wesson
• Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
• Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
• Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
• Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
• Your wife has ever had her hairdo get messed up in a ceiling fan
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
• Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
• Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
• Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
• Your wife picks through your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
• Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
• Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
• Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

If you know of any that are NOT on this list, email them to me and I'll add them.

Also, check out the redneck jokes on Humournet .

Back to The Dovenest