Ideas to Make Your Life Easier
By Billy E. Pennal, Ph.D.
© 1997 by Billy E. Pennal
The following ideas and philosophies are things I have believed in for years and have taught many of my patients these simple truths. If you like them and want to apply them to your life, be my guest. Some of these are excerpts from my book The Dictionary of Magic Words: An Assertiveness Manual.
Back to home page
Contents
I'll never forget the man who came to me when I was practicing as a clinical psychologist. This poor man was suffering greatly because he had an enduring and profound hate for his father. Evidentally, his father had done him wrong when he was younger and he had never forgiven his father for it. His lack of forgiveness was tearing him apart with hate. I worked with him for a few sessions and could easily see why he was suffering so. I told him what was happening and recommended he forgive his father so he could stop suffering and get on with his life. Unfortunately, this was too much for the great hate he was carrying and he told me he had rather suffer than to forgive his father. His father was dead, but my patient still carried the hate.
There are different reasons for forgiveness being a part of our lives. Of course, there are the religious reasons, but I feel a rational reason is easier to understand. If we forgive others, we remove a great burden from our lives. It's like carrying a big sack full of rocks on our backs. Each transgression we forgive removes another rock and our load gets lighter.
I highly recommend forgiveness as a way of relieving our burdens. It has nothing to do with what the other fellow deserves.
So often, we seem to think the other person is the only one who matters, and other people seem to go along with that idea. This is a main cause of people feeling inadequate or worthless. It also sets a person up to be manipulated or used by other people. If you are feeling that you don't matter, you are an easy target for the manipulators of the world. You won't have a very happy time of it either.
"I matter too" means just what it says. It doesn't mean "I matter more" or "I matter instead of" or "Only I matter." It means you have an equal right, along with other people, to be considered. It doesn't mean you have the right to push others aside; it means you have a right to expect others won't push you aside. It doesn't mean you never consider other people's wishes; it does mean you consider yourself too, that you don't automatically put everyone else's wishes ahead of your own. It doesn't mean you push yourself to the head of the line; it means you don't timidly step back and let everyone else go ahead. You matter too.
For instance, when you go out to an expensive restaurant, you have a right to expect your steak will be cooked to your order. When you take your clothes to the cleaners you have the right to expect they will remove the spots. If, as sometimes happens, your expectations are not met, you have the right to ask that the error be rectified. If you are not unreasonable and approach the problem in a calm, matter-of-fact way, people usually don't mind at all and are happy to fix things for you. If the other person seems to resent your request and is unpleasant about it, that really is not your problem but the other person's; don't let yourself feel guilty or bad in any way. Of course none of us likes unpleasantness, but at least it need not make you feel guilty. Remember, you matter too.
The same thing is true when someone is trying to get you to do something and you decline. If that person is nasty to you, perhaps giving you one of those "Have a nice days" dripping in acid, that is only his way of getting revenge on you for not doing what he wants. The problem is his, not yours, and doesn't have anything to do with you. Remember, you matter too. You have the right to consider your own wishes.
When you come to the realization that you matter too, you will find it easier to resist pressures put on you by other people. Many times our failure to stand up for our own wishes has its root in our deep-down belief that we are unworthy of consideration, that we don't matter. We say to ourselves, "I don't deserve to have what I want; I have no right not to give this other person what he wants." Sometimes it may be we have been taught it is virtuous to disregard our own feelings, and it is wicked to put our own wishes ahead of the wishes of others. In other words, we don't matter, only others matter. Well, that's just a bunch of baloney. If it's true that each of us is created equal under the law, and our Declaration of Independence says we are, then surely each of us matters.
So you go right ahead and say "Yep" and "Nope" and "I'm not willing" as you see fit. It's all right--you matter too. The Declaration of Independence says so.
It seems that all our lives we are taught "thou shalt not be selfish" as if it were the eleventh commandment. For some reason we are never told just why we are not to be selfish. If you question the proponents of anti-selfishness as to why you are not to be selfish they will tell you it is because you are just not supposed to be selfish (no explanation), or that God doesn't want you to be selfish.
If we take the discussion a bit further with the God explanation and ask why we are supposed to refrain from selfishness because God said so, we will usually get an outraged response that we are not supposed to question God's will, etc., etc. Did you ever notice that the outraged and dramatic responses come from people who don't really have an answer? The outrage is supposed to stop the questioning so they can feel secure again. I'm not sure just where God said this in the first place; I'll bet God didn't say it--people say it. Anyway, the God explanation will finally boil down to meaning that we are supposed to be selfless rather than selfish because if we sacrifice ourselves for others, we will be somehow favored by God and allowed to sit very close to God after we die. Have you noticed that this is a very selfish reason? If we do good, we get better treatment. That sounds selfish to me.
Now, it may be true that God plays favorites. If it is, then living a life of self-sacrifice in order to sit close to God would be an example of wise selfishness.
The problem is that it most likely isn't true and is an example of what I call stupid selfishness, which is to be assiduously avoided. Another example is the mother who sacrifices everything for her children with the expectation of their being grateful to her after they are grown up. Stupid selfishness is doing or not doing things for reasons that prove to be incorrect or not effective, when we could be doing things that will work for us.
Surely you have heard "And after all I've done for you..." said many times by the unselfish, sacrificing person who now wants a payback for all that sacrifice. This is a classic example of dumb selfishness. Smart selfishness means taking the other person into consideration and letting him in on the deal so he can willingly provide what is asked of him (or decide not to accept the deal under those particular circumstances).
There are only three ways to give something to someone else: a gift, a loan, or wages. A gift is something you do freely, expecting nothing in return. Your reward for a gift is in the giving. You are being wisely selfish if you give a gift under these terms. If you expect anything in exchange it is not a gift. Even expecting gratitude prevents it from being a gift
When you make a loan, you have every right to expect something in return. You can expect to be paid back and usually with interest. When you pay wages, you expect the other person to do something in exchange for the wages.
Now, loans and wages can take many forms other than money. You could lend your car to someone expecting him to drive carefully and return the car with gas in the tank. You could give your sweetie a back rub in exchange for the same in return. In this case, you are paying wages of a back rub in advance for the labor of a back rub in return. To do these things wisely, you will be sure the other person knows what is expected and agrees to the terms.
The problem comes with confusing loans and wages with gifts. The mother who says "After all I've done for you the least you could do is to call me on Sundays" is asking for the labor for which she has already paid the wages. The trouble here is that the recipient was not let in on the deal. The wages were presented as a gift but later called in as wages. It's only fair for a loan or wages to be mutually agreed on by both parties in advance. It's a dirty trick to give a phony gift only later to call in the loan. It seems to me that if someone gives you a gift without consulting you about anything expected in return, you owe nothing and need not feel guilty because you don't want to pay.
For instance, say your sweetie greets you some evening with a delicious home-cooked meal with all your favorite dishes, followed by your favorite dessert and your pipe and slippers. And then after you are settled back, she zaps you with "I told mother you'd go over this weekend and mow her lawn. Now don't complain, after all, I went to a lot of trouble to fix your favorite dinner. I deserve something in return." This is the mother-in-law who doesn't like you and you may not feel very affectionate about her. The dinner probably wasn't worth what it is going to cost you, and likely you wouldn't have agreed to the deal if you had only been let in on it. Your sweetie probably knows that herself and that is why she went about it in the devious manner described. Remember, if you don't agree to the requirements of the other person before the deal is made, you owe nothing. Sweeties who do this kind of thing are utilizing guilt as a way of getting what they want from someone else rather than making a straightforward deal.
Smart selfishness is taking the whole situation into consideration in determining your actions. Since the whole situation almost always involves other people, to be wisely selfish you must take the welfare of others into consideration to be effective and succeed at getting the very best for yourself. This will also involve the other people getting the best for themselves overall.
The person who callously ignores the welfare or wishes of others will not succeed as effectively as one who takes other people's wishes into consideration, and will not get the best results overall. That's not being wisely selfish. Smart selfishness is realizing that you are doing things for your best interests rather than because of guilt or because someone else has manipulated you into doing them.
There are three useful words that can help you with this. They are "all things considered." There will be times when you will have to decide whether or not to do a certain thing. After weighing your own interests and the interests of others involved, you may conclude that in the long run you will feel better about it if you follow a certain course. You may decide to do the thing you really prefer not to do; but all things considered you'd rather do it.
Consider the following situation: Harry and Mary have been married for a number of years and Mary's mother doesn't like Harry. Whenever they go visit Mother, Harry usually has a miserable time because Mother's dislike is often expressed in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Harry goes because Mary is rat enough to try to make him feel guilty if he doesn't, or sometimes she merely fusses at him until he goes because it gives him more peace than listening to the fussing. In every case, no one gets much good out of it. Harry certainly gets no reward. Mary gets very little satisfaction out of Harry being there under these circumstances, and Mother would rather he didn't come. All in all, this is a losing situation for all concerned. But Harry isn't being selfish and doing what he wants to do, so he gets another point in the Heaven Book. At this rate he will be glad to die so he can get his reward.
Another way to look at the same thing is for Harry to decide whether he will get a reward for doing something, as a gift to her, that Mary wants so much. After all, assuming he loves her, he will feel good about doing things for her that she likes, and that good feeling is a reward for Harry. If he gives Mary the gift of going to visit Mother, and realizes that is what he is doing, he will feel good about the situation--all things considered.
The good feeling of giving Mary a gift may outweigh the bad feeling of visiting Mother. That is selfish, but look how much more is gained. The same thing is happening--they are visiting Mother, but this time Harry feels much better about it and realizes he is doing it because he chose to do it rather than out of guilt, which always feels bad and breeds resentment.
Now, there is another side to this. Just suppose Harry has learned about wise selfishness and has weighed the reward of giving Mary the gift against the misery of visiting Mother, and the scale tips in the direction of avoiding Mother. This time Harry decides he will do what is best for him overall and does not go. The difference is that he is assertive and is clear with Mary that he has weighed the alternatives and has decided not to go. After all, he does have that right. He belongs to himself and is not here just to please others if it doesn't please him.
Of course, if the scale always tips away from giving gifts to Mary, she may decide Harry doesn't care much about her and she will think about alternatives as well. This, in turn, affects Harry's decisions if he doesn't want to lose Mary. His scale then tips differently because there is another factor involved. Harry must decide for himself with all things considered for him to be wisely selfish.
We can take this a little further and actively make this work in our relations with others. Suppose Mary wants Harry to do something with her or for her and Harry doesn't want to do it. Also suppose that Harry sometimes forgets about smart selfishness. In this case, Mary needs to ask directly if Harry will give her a gift. She can say, "Harry, please do this as a gift to me." Then Harry can see whether the giving of a gift to Mary will reward him enough to do it or not. He may decide it isn't worth it to him and decline, but this time he is forthright about his decision. He tells Mary he is not willing to do it even under these circumstances, and he is clear about it without weaseling.
A woman I know exercises wise selfishness frequently. She loves to spend the evening reading; her husband likes to relax by watching a movie on TV. He enjoys it much more when she joins him. So every now and then she gives him the gift of watching a movie with him, even though it isn't a movie she would choose to watch if it were left up to her. And sometimes she gets to see a really good movie, one she enjoys and even goes so far as to say she wouldn't have missed for the world. Her husband has learned to accept the gift of her presence when she chooses to join him, and accept her decision when she decides to spend the evening reading. And so they both gain. There are also times when he really wants her company and will tempt her by selecting a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie which she likes a lot. He is willing to forego his sci-fi movie to be able to have her company and considers it a good trade.
All in all, smart selfishness makes a lot of sense to me.
There are three kinds of things in this life:
It seems obvious the only one that you will succeed well with is the third item. The place we seem to go wrong is in anguishing over those things we can't do anything about rather than accepting them as they are and making the necessary adjustments in our lives. The only problem we should be having with these three kinds of things is in determining which category the present problem belongs. If it belongs in either of the first two categories, we need to accept it as it is and go on with our lives. If it is changeable and worth changing, we need to get on with the job.
The key to a happy life includes the ability to discriminate among these kinds of things and to accept those we cannot change. Acceptance provides a lot of comfort and relief from anxiety.
Probably the most important of the ideas listed here are these. Until you believe this with all your heart, you will not be able to use the other words to their full advantage. These are words you say to yourself--over and over until they are part of you. This is a fundamental truth. You belong to you and only to you. Although you have responsibilities and loyalties to many others, you are still your own property.
When you come into this world you are placed in your mother's arms and feel right at home there, and rightfully so. Your mother does not own you even then, however. She has considerable power over you and it is to be hoped she will use it wisely and with much love. Her job is to help you grow into a responsible, capable, self-sufficient human adult with all the capacity for growth that is your birthright. When she orders you to do something, you are expected to obey. Your obedience needs to be out of respect for her and respect for her role in teaching you to do what is best for you. If she is wise, she will try always to teach you to do what is best for you and not what is best for her. Unfortunately, this is not what seems to happen much of the time.
Mother usually has helpers in doing her job with you. Fathers are just as important as mothers even though they have different roles in your life. You do not belong to your father either. A father also has the job of teaching you to be the best you can be. In a well-functioning family the balancing of roles and wisdom of Father and Mother are complementary and you grow even better when these roles are used well. If Father thinks you are here to do his bidding, he will order you around to fulfill his own needs or wishes rather than what is best for you. When you were little, you didn't know much about all this and believed that Mother and Father were really gods and there was no question about their wisdom or authority.
From childhood, as you grew older, you may have failed to learn that you are your own authority and kept on needing to get permission from others to do things for yourself. So often have I sat in my office and listened to a wife complaining that she would like to take a class, or learn painting, or get a job, but her husband won't let her. I gently try to teach her that she belongs to herself and doesn't need permission--she needs to coordinate and inform, but not get permission. The only time someone needs to get permission is to do something involving someone else's person, time, or property--like borrowing someone's car.
Taking this further, you will find other people who attempt to own you and control you. Some of them are out in the open with their orders. Some have the authority of the law or society backing them up. For example, the police will order you to prevent you from breaking the law; teachers will order you to behave the way they want you to behave. Others, out for themselves, can be subtle and underhanded about it but the intent is the same. They are trying to take over a part of your life and get you to do or not do what they want. Your life does not belong to them, however, and they have no right to do it.
Some do have the right to inform you of consequences and then make those consequences happen, as with the police or teachers. It is up to you whether you obey, and your decision to obey or not can be based upon knowledge of the consequences rather than blind obedience as if you were a slave. It will be up to you to resist and to assert your right to direct your own behavior and your own destiny. Very few people will tell you this, however.
The words "I belong to me" are words to be repeated to yourself with strong emphasis, over and over if necessary until you truly believe them.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes
I wish I could take credit for this profound bit of wisdom, but I will have to give credit to the French novelist Marcel Proust for it. I think too often people keep trying to change the things in their lives that cannot be changed rather than seeing those things differently. Try changing the way you look at things rather than the things for a while and see if it doesn't make life seem better.
