All parents have experienced it. All have tried to do something about it. Other people always have advice about what to do about it. When your child cries it seems to go to the fundamental part of a parent and that parent feels something must be done about it. A child crying is just not an acceptable thing to have happen.

Crying is often a means of modifying the behavior of both the child and the parents. The parents reward the child for crying and the child rewards the parents for picking it up by stopping crying. This sounds like a fine arrangement except it encourages a lot of crying. Let's examine the principles of behavior modification as it applies to crying behavior.

What is crying? What does it represent? Answers to these questions may help the confused parent figure out what to do about it. First, obviously, a child cries as a distress signal. That seems to be an inborn thing they all do. When the stomach is empty; when the pin sticks; when the diaper is wet; all these seem to trigger the familiar distress signal. Parents usually know when the cry represents a distress signal. The sound seems to have a particular quality to it--at least early in life before the child has learned to use crying for other purposes.

The distress signal even seems to have different qualities to it. There is the extreme distress signal--the child has colic or a sticking safety pin, or a nightmare. There is the "I need" distress signal when the child is hungry. That one becomes an extreme distress signal when the child is extremely hungry. There is the mild distress signal when the child is wet. They are all distress signals and it usually is not difficult to tell that they are.

Crying is also a way of communicating. An infant comes into the world with a very limited vocabulary. It consists entirely of crying and a few other sounds such as cooing or babbling when happy. Facial grimaces and other body movements are also signals to others about what the child is trying to communicate. A parent's job is to try to understand what the child is trying to communicate and provide for its needs when it is very young.

Crying in this sense is also an adaptive function and until the child learns more of a vocabulary or signal system, it is very helpful for him. I don't think we could complain about our child trying to communicate with us. Naturally, when the child is still an infant, he is interested only in getting his wants satisfied and his crying or communicating is directed at this goal. I imagine we all want our children to have what they need even though they can be very self centered about it. No complaints about crying yet?

Unfortunately, crying can also be a manipulative behavior which can be less than desirable. The dividing line between communicating for his needs and manipulating for his wants can be hard to discriminate. Maybe you don't mind your baby manipulating you into whatever he wants--now. I'll bet you won't like it after he grows up some more, however.

Most parents are familiar with the baby crying until it is picked up and then cooing and smiling with satisfaction. That is rewarding to both the parent and the baby. It is also teaching the baby to cry to get picked up. Don't forget the chapter on common-sense behavior modification. Where do you draw the line? You like to pick up the baby. The baby likes to be picked up by you. What's wrong with that?

If you plan always to run and pick up the baby whenever he cries, maybe nothing is wrong with that. Most parents lose the desire to do that after the ten thousandth time it happens. The baby doesn't lose the desire to have it done, however. The baby also learns the world revolves around him and has a hard time later on when he must discover it really doesn't.

Obviously, the most effective thing to do is to pick the baby up a lot when it is not crying. Babies and parents both benefit greatly from a lot of cuddling and playing together. I encourage you to do a lot of this when the baby is not crying. However, if you want to teach your child that crying is not a good way to get attention, pick it up only if it is a distress cry.

Here is an obvious fact most parents have a hard time accepting: It does not harm a baby to cry when it is just manipulative crying. He won't die, get diaper rash, hate his parents, or lose money in the stock market. He just learns a better way to get what he wants or learns to do without. Doing without is also something we all have to learn some time in our lives.

When a toddler or older child cries, it can be even harder for parents to take. Now, there are times when a crying child is in genuine distress and needs to be comforted. But it is easy for some children to get into the habit of whining and crying when they are not getting their own way. It is a mistake to buy into that situation by continuing to explain, reassure, or try to get the child to understand why he can't have his own way.

I watched a child get himself all worked up because he was going to a party but it wasn't until a week away. He kept asking why he couldn't go tomorrow. His mother kept explaining. He progressed to whining, then finally full-fledged screaming and crying, with his mother explaining and reassuring all the way. It would be much better to give the explanation and reassurance once, then quit responding to his demands.

Another time a little boy wanted to play with his puppy but the puppy kept running away. It seemed obvious the puppy wanted to avoid the boy. The little boy started crying and chasing the puppy. The boy's mother told him to leave the puppy alone, but made the mistake of tacking on a long explanation and qualifiers about not being able to play with the puppy until he calmed down, the puppy felt like playing, and so forth. The little boy didn't care about all that, he just wanted to get his hands on that puppy.

They proceeded, with him screaming "Want to play with Scooter," and her explaining and ordering, until it developed into a full-fledged tantrum. Finally the little boy exhausted himself and went in to bed to sulk. It would have been much easier for both of them had the mother stopped with a simple "No! Leave the puppy alone," and then ignored his arguments. As it was she helped to perpetuate the crying fit by responding to it.

One of the most distressing things for a parent is the public temper tantrum. Here is your child screaming and crying and there are all those strangers looking on. Half of them are probably thinking what a cruel parent you must be to make your child cry and the other half are thinking what a rotten parent you are because you can't control your own child.

It's all very well to say to ignore the child's crying and not reward his misbehavior. But you really can't ignore it when he is making a spectacle of himself with you in the middle of a crowded store. About all you can do here is remove him bodily, assuming he is small enough, take him to your car or other private place, and then ignore him until he quiets down. Arguing, ordering, pleading, or screaming back will do absolutely no good. If your child is too big for you to pick him up and remove him and is still acting this way, you do have a problem. For that you will need more than this book. A general rule about tantrums is don't give in this time and the chances of future tantrums are reduced. Give in and they are assured.

Even more easily than when the child was a baby, the parent can tell when a child is crying for a good reason and when he is just dissatisfied. Sometimes children fuss and cry when they are very tired. Then they need to be made to stop and rest, switch to some quiet activity, have a snack, go to bed, or whatever is appropriate at the time. But it is a mistake to get into an explaining match with a whiny child.

That leads to another sore subject, getting the child to bed. How many children have you seen who put up a fight every night at bedtime? Some children make such a fuss that they don't go to bed until both parent and child are exhausted and thoroughly upset. When this begins to happen, the most effective thing is to put the child to bed firmly and kindly, then ignore his complaints. If he persists in getting out of bed and coming out of his room, as children sometimes do, he needs to encounter some discouraging consequences.

The difficulty here is that most any kind of consequences you deliver will also be accompanied by a lot of your undivided attention. Remember, I have said many times the undivided attention of a significant adult is about the most rewarding thing a child can get. This includes aversive attention as well as good attention. It's important you don't get into a contest of physical control with your child. One of these days, he will be big enough you can no longer physically control him.

I know there will be times when the child is small you can just pick him up and move him to where you want him to be. Sometimes, that might be the best, and simplest, solution as in the case of the public tantrum. Be careful, however, this doesn't turn into a typical thing for you to do. Your child must be learning to respect your orders rather than you having to move his body to conform to your orders.

You might remember Rule 1. Try finding or providing some rewarding consequences of staying in bed. Without making a big deal, you can do things like checking to be sure his room is comfortable, or letting him take some favorite toys to play with in bed. He might like to lie there and sing or talk to himself for a while. It's not necessary that he go right to sleep, as long as he stays put. He might like to look at some favorite books or read in bed. You hear about children hiding under the covers to read by flashlight. Adults like to read in bed, maybe your child might too.

What about leaving the light on when your child asks you? Well, if he is reading in bed he will need a lamp. What if he is afraid? Sometimes children have real fears about something under the bed or in the closet. Our daughter has recently told us that for years she was terrified her stuffed bear would come to life and attack her. She didn't tell us at the time. What an awful thing for a little girl to live with. Would it have been a good idea, if we had known, to leave the light on? I think it certainly would. We adults discount our children's fears as being nonsense. Who in their right mind would expect a toy bear to come to life and attack someone? To an adult this is ridiculous. To a small child it can be a very real fear. I'm afraid we spend too much energy teaching a child things he doesn't need to know at that time. What can be so bad about sleeping with the light on? There will be plenty of time for the child to learn to sleep in the dark as he grows up.

However, if so far as you can tell there is no special problem, and you've tried all the good ways you can think of to get your child to bed at a decent hour, what if he still resists? I believe generally the best thing to do is to use a no-nonsense approach and order the child to bed in a firm voice with no apologies or explanations. If you start this approach early before he has learned to manipulate bedtime, you won't have these kinds of problems.

One further word about crying. Sometimes crying can be the result of emotional distress. Whether we like to admit it or not, children suffer with things like depression. They have bad things happen to them. Sometimes their parents get divorced, or someone dies. These are times when the child has an emotional reason for crying. I consider these to be times when the child needs a lot of understanding and help. Crying serves a purpose when this is the case. Not only is crying an emotional safety valve, but it is also a way of communicating to others that the child is in real need of emotional support. If this is what is happening, I think it needs to take priority. Don't worry about teaching the child a lesson if you suspect this. Behavior modification rules are not the best approach for a child having this kind of problem. If there is a loss, then mourning the loss is in order whether it is a loss by death, by divorce, or by such things as having a best friend move to a distant city.