He was a beautiful child, this little five-year-old boy who was brought to the clinic where I was working. He was the kind of child who makes you want to pinch his cheek and pick him up and hug him. I don't know when I have seen a more adorable child. What could he be doing in the child-guidance clinic? He obviously can't be a disturbed child, I thought, it must be his mother who is having trouble. It couldn't be him. Boy, was I wrong. His mother was having trouble but it was because of him.

A little later, I was informed that because I was so good with this kind of case it was being assigned to me. That was nice for my ego, but I didn't know what the situation was with him since I was not part of the intake team and I fell for it. This turned out to be one of the most difficult cases I have had. The intake team knew no one in his right mind would want to get this case. Since I was the only one who was not there on the day of the intake and didn't know what it was all about, I was the lucky winner.

This little cherub had developed into a little devil. As a matter of fact, after I had been working with him for a while and the staff knew what was going on they coined a new diagnostic label: The Little-Devil Syndrome. I was lucky to get such an interesting and demanding case--or so they told me.

His mother was divorced and lived alone with him. She was a very conscientious lady and was fairly sophisticated in psychology and child rearing practices. She was a nurse and a very intelligent one. I have often thought a little psychological knowledge could possibly be a dangerous thing, and she was living proof this is sometimes right. She had been applying lessons she learned from reading books by the "experts." The problem was she was not applying the principles consistently and this was the danger.

This little boy needed a lot of love and attention from his mother as all children do. His mother was a harried woman who was trying to rear a child and do a good job of it, but who had her hands full with demands made on her from life as well as from her son. He wanted attention, she tried to give it to him. There were times when she didn't have the energy or time to give him much of herself and like any other mother she was not always there for him. Naturally, he tried to do things to get her attention.

She had been reading about how to handle things like this and she applied behavior modification principles by ignoring his maladaptive attempts to get her attention. This was all fine so far as it went.

The problem was she was not consistent in this and she didn't give him enough attention when he was being good. There were times his bad behavior became too much for her and she gave in and provided the attention he wanted--sometimes punishing him for his behavior.

Remember the rule on behavior modification that says how dangerous it is to give in sometimes and provide a reward for bad behavior. This is what she was doing. Her little boy had learned to escalate his bad behavior because that was what it took to get his mother's attention. His mother had started disliking him and because of that she gave him even less attention. When he got less attention, he tried harder to get it, and round and round it goes. A vicious circle had developed: his behavior caused his mother to give him less attention, and less attention caused an increase in his bad behavior.

In attempting to arrive at an effective treatment plan, I questioned his mother in his presence. While we were talking and her attention was directed to me, he would poke, shove, interrupt, hit, pinch, and even spit on his mother. He didn't seem like such a cherub then.

I asked his mother what she had tried. I asked her if she had tried a time-out procedure, making him go to his room whenever he was being bad. She told me she knew all about that and had continually tried it but it didn't work.

When she put him in his room he immediately came out again. She tried locking him in his room to make sure he stayed there. She didn't know what a formidable adversary she was up against. When she locked him in, he found a way to get her attention. He would take objects in his room and literally knock holes in the wall and break the windows.

Well, obviously she couldn't let him do that so she went in to get him. She always fussed, scolded, and punished him but she was also giving him a lot of undivided attention, which was what he wanted in the first place.

His mother wanted desperately to do whatever would help. She was a very willing parent. If she only knew what to do she felt she could succeed with this child. The problem was she needed to apply as well as to know the best ways of dealing with her son. The application of the principles is the difficult part. There is a natural tendency to lapse back into old ways when someone is learning to do things differently.

Now, my preferred method of working with children is to work primarily with the parents and teach them effective ways of managing their problem child. I think parents have the potential of being the most effective therapists for their children if they only know what to do and do it. If a child is brought to me for therapy, I see him only briefly and intermittently as compared to the time his parents spend with him. If they will only take the job seriously and provide effective parenting they will be much the better therapists. All they need is to know what to do and when to do it.

The clinic where I was working was a well-equipped one and we had therapy rooms which were large and which had the capability of using the "bug in the ear." This was a very small radio receiver which could be worn in the ear like a small hearing aid. The room had a one-way mirror and a place for me outside where I could see and hear what was going on without actually being present. I had a radio transmitter which allowed me to talk to the mother by way of the bug in her ear. My plan was for me to teach her by directing her how to handle situations that came up with only her and her son in the therapy room.

This worked very well. She was conscientious and did exactly what I told her to do in response to his behavior. The purpose of this approach was to teach her ways of handling him by practice rather than by trying to remember all the rules and apply the correct one. I felt she already knew the rules and she mainly needed guidance in learning to apply them and to do it naturally.

When they were interacting in the room I mainly reminded her to reward him with attention when he was not being bad. I also tried to get her to ignore the bad behavior by not paying attention to him. This was the hard part. How do you ignore someone who is poking, yelling, hitting, and spitting on you?

This is what made it such a difficult case. If I could have started with her long ago before the extreme escalation of bad behavior developed, I think it would have a very easy case. As it was, it was a drawn-out and difficult situation.

I worked with her as long as I was with the clinic, and when I left, someone else took over the case. The boy had improved a lot but was still a behavior problem. His mother was not as good at following my instructions when she was at home with him and didn't have the bug in her ear. I never did learn the final outcome. I think I didn't want to know.

What is the moral of this story? I think it points out the danger of finally breaking down and rewarding bad behavior after you have tried to stop it by removing the reward. Usually, a small child does not place extreme demands on the parents. The child should have a lot of attention, but it should be selective. The world does not revolve around him and it is not a good idea to teach him that it does.

Provide attention often. It will be good for both you and your child. Teach him to respect you and obey your requests because of that respect. You will not be able to succeed in controlling your child's behavior by force in the long run. If you are able to control your child by force, the only way it will continue to work is for you to break your child's spirit. That is a sad thing to see. I have seen it in my work and I do not like it. A broken spirit probably will never be whole again.