The way consequences follow behavior can have a strong influence on attitudes. Being able to appreciate the value of a thing or person is most likely a learned thing. People, particularly children, don't appreciate things because they are supposed to appreciate them. They appreciate things that have a personal meaning for them. That personal meaning probably comes from the cost that came with the thing. Cost can be viewed as behavior that is followed by a reward or non-reward. The behavior is the cost and the reward is the payoff. The perception of value comes from the amount of cost required to obtain a reward.

A fact of life is if something doesn't cost anything, it is perceived as not being valuable. Only by the sweat of the brow does value and appreciation of that value occur. Now, I don't mean literal sweat on literal brows. I mean only if a person has to work, do without, give up something, or the equivalent in order to get something does that something become valuable in that person's eyes. This means things you arbitrarily give your child will likely not be treated as being valuable to that child.

Maybe you know a family who has a daughter who received a new car for her sixteenth birthday, and who keeps getting into accidents or getting traffic tickets in that new car. Maybe you also know someone who had to work and save money long enough to be able to buy an old clinker and who takes extremely good care of that old clinker. These are the things that could be predicted by the assumption that things that cost nothing are perceived as being worth nothing.

An additional factor that applies here is the fact if someone else has to pay the price for a person's mistakes, the person who made the mistake doesn't learn anything valuable from the mistake. This is another way of saying the person doesn't learn to appreciate the significance of his behavior. For example, if junior gets a ticket for speeding and his parents pay the traffic ticket, junior won't learn speeding is something to stop doing. Yet, that is what seems to happen a lot of the time. Many parents try to save the child from the consequences of his mistakes and then wonder why the child keeps making the same mistake over and over again.

I remember one Christmas day when a patient of mine called me to tell me her 19-year-old son had been thrown in jail for drunken driving and assaulting a police officer. She asked if I would come to the office and counsel with him after she went down and got him out of jail.

He had done some very inappropriate things. Getting drunk and driving, and then assaulting the officer who was arresting him. All in all these seemed to be pretty stupid things to do. I informed his mother not only would I not see him on Christmas day, but I also told her I felt it would be inappropriate for her to get him out of jail. He had made some whoppers of mistakes and he would probably learn something about what happens when you do those kinds of things. After all, jail is supposed to be bad news for a reason. Why else should people try to behave in ways that keep them out of jail?

She was going to save him from the unpleasant consequences of his behavior yet another time. Fortunately, this was an intelligent woman who could listen to reason and she listened to my reasons for not rewarding him for getting himself in jail. She left him there until he could find a way to get himself out on his own.

This young man later came to see me professionally (after getting himself out of jail) and he told me he felt he learned a valuable lesson from that. He affirmed my belief the county jail is a very unpleasant place to spend time. He also affirmed my belief assaulting an arresting officer is a very stupid thing to do. I think he also learned he doesn't behave very wisely when under the influence of alcohol.

Children who get a lot of things without working for or paying for them in some way seldom appreciate them. Suppose you get your child a lot of very expensive toys for Christmas, and you do this every year. You will probably find your child doesn't take very good care of those toys and that he soon tires of them. The toys didn't cost him anything, and you keep fixing or replacing them when they are broken, so how can you expect him to take care of them? You paid for them, and you are getting the consequences of his carelessness.

Also, when a child is given a great number of things on a regular basis he comes to expect it. Then if you fall down on the job and fail to meet his expectations, your disappointed child socks it to you with anger and retaliation in the form of pouting and sulking. Hell hath no fury like a teenager who has been indulged from birth and is suddenly told he can't have something.

Is it ever all right to give your child something freely, instead of always making it a consequence of some behavior? Well, yes, if you don't do it very often. Once in a very great while you might want to give him something you know he has been wishing for, and he may treasure it. A gift received for no particular reason can provide a great delight. I once had a psychology professor who put it very well. He said "Happiness is non-contingent reinforcement." I think that is very true. But don't give him things very often. Remember, the more things he is given, the more things he will expect, and the less they will mean to him.

I remember a little boy who lived next door when our children were about six and seven. They reported the floor of Bobby's room was always literally covered with toys. Guess where Bobby preferred to play? At out house! Our children didn't have very many toys, but they were new to him.

That reminds me of Christmas about a year later, when we got our son a new candy-apple-red bicycle. He had been wanting one for a very long time--years it seems. We made it a treasure hunt, with clues that finally led him to the bike hidden in the workshop. I will never forget his face when he saw it. He literally jumped several inches off the floor. In this case, the cost for him was a long period of wishing and waiting, as well as having to decipher the clues of the treasure hunt. The surprise of it made it all the sweeter. So, no, it doesn't hurt to give your child something every now and then. Just don't make a habit of it.

I think often the reason parents give their children things is they want them themselves. This happened with us the same Christmas we gave our son his bike. My wife had always wanted a doll house when she was a little girl. So she got one for our little daughter, assuming that because she herself wanted one, our daughter wanted one. Even though she tried to hide it, it was evident our little girl was disappointed when her treasure hunt led to the doll house hidden behind the door. She never enjoyed or appreciated it because she didn't want it in the first place, and that wasn't her fault.

Sometimes we make that mistake, that of giving the child something we have decided he ought to want and then expecting him to appreciate it. I can think of another example of this. When our son was about nine I decided to make a desk for his room. I made it of solid walnut, expensive even at that time. I wanted it to be perfect, so I wouldn't let him help build it. When it was finished I put it in his room and expected him to appreciate it and take care of it. Well, naturally he got model airplane paint on it, scuffed the corners, and so forth.

I made two mistakes here. First, I didn't let him help build it. I didn't let him invest any of himself in it, didn't give him the chance to see what went into making it. Second, I shouldn't have put an expensive desk in his room in the first place. He didn't want it or ask for it. He was a nine-year-old boy. He needed a big work table he could spread out on and mess up without hurting anything. I failed to get my priorities straight.

If you are going to give your child something, you can be sure he will enjoy it more if he has something invested in it. Maybe he has worked for it, or saved for it, or maybe he has wished and dreamed for a long time. It will be better for him, and cheaper for you, if you do not shower him with things indiscriminately.