Discipline seems to be one of the major problems parents have with their children. I suspect part of the problem has to do with what discipline really means to different people. Too often, I hear the word discipline used to denote a form of punishment. A parent will tell me he has tried to discipline his child but nothing seems to work. On questioning, I find the discipline the parent had in mind was a spanking.

Parents have told me they have tried different kinds of discipline, meaning different kinds of punishment. They have tried spanking in different ways, withholding privileges, grounding, etc., but nothing seems to "get through" to the child.

According to Webster's dictionary, there are several meanings to the term discipline. The first listed definition of the noun defines discipline as "...training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency." The definition listed last is "...correction; chastisement; punishment inflicted by way of correction and training." The first listed definition of the verb is "...to subject to discipline; to instruct or educate; to prepare by instruction; to train." The second definition of the verb is "...to chastise; to punish."

Another definition of both forms has to do with "...subjection to rule; submissiveness to control; to keep in subjection." It seems there are two schools of thought on what discipline is. One involves helping a person function more effectively in the world, and the other involves keeping a person doing what someone else wants him to do--as in slavery.

In my own work, rarely have I heard the word discipline used to mean helping a child function more effectively in the world. The usual meaning involves finding ways to make the child do what the parents want him to do. As I said in the chapter on the Job of Parents, the purpose of this book is not to show you how to make the child do what others want him to do. Rather, the job is to help the child learn to be a happy, well-adjusted, functioning member of society. This will also be good for society.

Since I am the one writing this book, I shall use my definition of discipline which coincides with Webster's first definition. I think discipline is a very handy way of dealing with life effectively. We must keep in mind our job is to help the child do this according to what is actually best for that particular individual. This will not always be what we as parents, teachers, etc., may want them to do. We should always ask ourselves "Will this be best for this particular child?"

With this in mind, let's look at how common-sense behavior modification can help. We must be cautious because these principles are blind. They can be used to make our child into a slave rather than a happy individual. Fortunately, it is more difficult to use these methods to change children into being what is not good for them than it is to change them into being what is good for them.

This brings up the issue of selfishness. We have been taught all our lives selfishness is a bad thing. It has almost been incorporated into an eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt not be selfish." Well, I am here to refute this teaching. I believe it is a good thing for a person to be wisely selfish and to accept that as a working axiom. When we are wisely selfish, we do things because we will be rewarded by them or because our lives will be better off because of the results. Notice how the word selfishness seems to mean the same thing as reward.

Wise selfishness means taking everything into consideration before deciding what to do. If a child has discipline he will be wisely selfish and decide to do things that will give him good results all things considered. For example, the child may decide to wear his good jeans to school because he wants to look nice and feel good about himself. Wearing the good jeans instead of worn, dirty ones will benefit the child, his mother, and the cute girl at sixth period. That sounds like selfishness but it is a selfishness that will benefit the most people and will benefit the child the most. In this case, the disciplined child will take care of his clothes; put them into the clothes hamper when they are dirty; maybe even wash and iron them himself if he can't get someone else to do it.

Now, how do you get your child to this point? It goes without saying the earlier you start, the easier your job will be. Whenever you start, however, your final goal is the same. It is to raise a person to go out into the world well armed with self-discipline. Your job is to instill this inner discipline as he grows up by imposing external discipline wisely. A person isn't born into the world realizing the value of keeping his clothes clean, his living quarters neat, and his bills paid on time. Most of the skills needed to live at close quarters with others in a civilized society have to be learned gradually through the years.

It will be your job to teach your child to eat without throwing food on the floor, and to pick up his toys when he's through playing. Later come the clothes to be put away, the homework, the chores. Even later comes responsible use of a car, wise use of money, and all the rest of it. You begin with the little things and work up, as your child grows. The external discipline--telling the child to do something, then seeing that he does it--should lead to the inner, self-discipline that will allow your child to lead an orderly life.

Looking again at the two types of external discipline listed in Webster's dictionary, we see on the one hand training, instructing, or educating; and on the other hand, chastising or punishing. Naturally you would like to confine your disciplining of your child as much as possible to instructing and explaining. The fewer spankings and groundings, the more pleasant it is for everyone. Proper use of behavior modification techniques will help with this.

Remember the basic principle: Behavior is maintained by its consequences. This leads to the first and second rules. First, to increase a desirable behavior, provide or increase the reward following that behavior. Second, to decrease an undesirable behavior remove the reward following that behavior. If necessary, punishment can be used to decrease undesirable behaviors, but it should be a last resort if removing the reward is impossible or it is not working.

The first step in training a child, or anyone for that matter, is to give him information about what is or is not acceptable. It is only when the child ignores or goes against these instructions that you need to get into the correctional aspect of his training.

My granddaughter was helping me water the grass one day. She suddenly thought it would be fun to turn the hose on Grandpa and gave me a good sprinkling. I immediately told her in a stern voice it was not okay to water Grandpa. She said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know." I told her I forgave her but she knows now. She agreed and so far she hasn't done it any more. Of course, if she does it again I will have to speak more sternly, but so far she hasn't.

Often when a parent corrects a child, an onlooker will say, "Oh, but she's just a little girl, she doesn't know any better." This is really a misguided attempt to defend the child against a perceived punishment. Informing a child about the facts of life is not a punishment and does not need any defense. Of course she is only a little child and doesn't know any better. The only way for her to learn is to be informed. The child needs no defense by an onlooker because there is nothing to defend against.

By giving the child information, I don't mean you should load him down with a list of things to do and not to do the minute he gets up in the morning. A young child, or anyone for that matter, really has to learn little by little. A very young child learns what is acceptable by trying all sorts of things. Generally if the thing he tries is acceptable, either nothing happens or he receives expressions of approval. If it is not acceptable, he is told "No!" on the spot. After several times, he presumably will remember he is not supposed to do that thing. You can always assume people, particularly children, learn better by doing than any other way. If you just talk to him and do not allow him to practice doing things, he won't learn half as quickly or as well.

In a school classroom setting, there naturally has to be more structure and some some spelling out of rules ahead of time. The teacher has too many children to keep up with and too many situations to control to allow the freedom of the home environment. Still, chances for impromptu learning come up all the time. Experienced teachers tell me they learned through the years to spell out as few rules as possible, and only those they could enforce.

As a child grows older he can understand on a more abstract level and remember after fewer reminders, but the basic idea of learning by doing remains the same. It is confusing to a child to give him too many rules ahead of time. You need to catch the unacceptable behaviors when they happen, and inform your child right then. That is how he will learn. He really won't learn very well unless he is allowed do things and to make his own mistakes.

Of course he gradually learns there are certain rules, certain things that are done and others that are not done. Some examples of rules are "We don't use that kind of language," "You are not to mistreat animals," "You are to be home by a certain time," and "You don't take other people's things." These rules will be stated as a reminder or as a correction when he transgresses. More drastic consequences can be attached if he keeps doing it. How serious the consequences are will depend on the seriousness and frequency of the transgressions.

Naturally if you are going to make a change from the way things have been done, you will need to inform your child ahead of time. An example is the mother I described in a previous chapter who started making her son responsible for getting himself up. He was old enough to understand an explanation of what was being done, and he needed to know in advance what was going to happen and what the consequences would be. Be sure once you have announced a rule that you follow through with consequences to see the rule is obeyed.

I seem to hear it over and over again. People tell me it is so much trouble to see to it that the child does what is required. It is so much easier just to let it go or to do it yourself. Yes, it is much easier to do it yourself than to use the methods described in this book to get the child to do it. Also, nagging, pleading, fussing, begging, and many of the other ways of trying to get the child to do what is required of him just don't get the real job done.

Granted, it is a lot of trouble. You weren't promised raising a child would be easy, I hope. It is always a good idea to keep in mind what the job of the parent really is. Raising a well-functioning person who will fit well into the world is a lot more important than just getting a particular bit of work done for today.