One of the things defined under the job of parents is helping the child become a responsible person. If a child has a sense of responsibility when he grows up, he will fare much better in this world than if he doesn't. I think most everyone will agree that instilling a sense of responsibility in our children is a good thing. The question is how do we do that?

First, you must realize a child does not learn very much from lectures. You can talk about how good it is to be a responsible person but it will do little good. A child must learn by doing and finding out the results of his behavior.

I am going to discuss that very issue, but first let me give you a way to do it in one sentence.

If a two-year-old wants to play in the street, it seems pretty obvious he is not capable of making an informed choice about that. A two-year-old most likely does not realize the danger and how bad it can hurt to be hit by a car. A fifteen-year-old adolescent knows this and is fully capable of making this decision. Although this is an extreme example, it shows the problems involved with this philosophy.

The difficulty is in knowing when a child is capable of making a particular choice. Usually, the child is capable sooner than the parent thinks he is and later than the child thinks he is. Here is where the wisdom all parents are supposed to have comes into play. It is also where much of the ever-present parent-child conflict arises. You will continually be faced with this decision.

If you err on the safe side the child will be held back in learning responsibility. If you err on the risky side, the child may be damaged by his choice. The risk must be weighed against the possible gain. For example, in deciding whether or not to allow a child to choose to play in the street, it would be wiser to err on the safe side. In deciding whether or not to allow a child to choose peas or carrots for lunch, it is really safe to err on the risky side.

When you do decide to allow the child to have the choice, be sure to let him make his own decision. Also, be sure to let him have the full consequences of that choice. Don't try to influence him or talk him out of his choice and don't save him from the consequences. He won't learn from your experience, only from his.

More than once have I been in a cafeteria line and observed a parent ask a child what he wanted to eat. The parent then made a big deal about talking the child into getting what the parent wanted the child to eat--all the while trying to make the child think he had a choice. Kids aren't stupid. You don't fool them that way. The cafeteria line goes a lot slower with this kind of thing happening in front of you. If the parent isn't willing to let the child choose what to eat, the parent should not give the child a choice in the first place.

Better than allowing a child to have a choice he is capable of making, insist the child make the choice by refusing to make it for him. As long as you are willing to take the responsibility you will get it. If you take the responsibility and the desired result is not obtained, it becomes your problem. The problem really belongs to the child and he needs to learn from it. This is also a good way to help your child grow up and not be afraid of making his own decisions.

Learning to be responsible for himself and his decisions seems to be a very important aspect to a child's maturing process. If you don't give the child practice in making decisions about his behavior which will lead to consequences, he will never learn to be confident with making a decision. Surely you know someone who just cannot make a decision without first checking it out with someone else. This checking may take the form of a request for someone actually to make the decision, or it may be just a rising inflection at the end of a statement of what the decision is. This rising inflection is just a way of trying to get someone else to pass judgment on the decision which is made with a lot of uncertainty. In any case, the indecisive person projects an image of ineffectiveness and would not be the kind of person you would choose to put in a responsible position.

I have counseled with many parents who were having extreme difficulty in managing their child's use of the family car. Somehow, it had become the parent's responsibility to get the child to work, or to the dance lesson, or the school activity. Parents who have done a lot of chauffeuring dream of the day when their child can drive himself, and the parents can take a little time for themselves. This is all fine provided the parents can keep a perspective on the use of the car that ensures the child will be responsible for all these things if he is allowed to use the car.

Most of the problems I have encountered with this issue involve separating the use of the car for necessary things such as getting to work, to school, or things like that from use of the car for pleasure. When the child has not lived up to his responsibility, the parents tend to try to separate these kinds of things and allow the use of the car for getting to work but not for going to see his friends. I can guarantee you if you try this, you will be setting yourself up for a lot of conflict with your child. You will be called on to decide whether an activity is necessary or just for pleasure. The child will tend to abuse the privilege of driving to and from work, and will take a side trip that doesn't qualify for getting to work.

I feel the main solution to this kind of problem is to give the problem to the child to solve. If he transgresses and loses driving privileges, you can make it all driving privileges, including getting to work. It may just be a situation where it is more important for the child to learn to be a responsible person than for him to get a day's pay, or even keep his job. I also think if you do this, the child will learn much more quickly and will find ways of behaving responsibly about the car.

Another situation that causes a lot of trouble between parents and children involves times when the parent becomes the child's creditor. Parents often want the child to have something before he has earned it and will help him pay for it with the understanding the child will pay the parent back. I can promise you trouble if you do this. The child won't really appreciate the item as much as if he completely earned it himself, and you will be nagging him to remember his debt.

Children don't feel obligated to pay parents back because they generally feel parents are a source of supply anyway. Children perceive anything supplied by a parent, regardless of the words used, as something due them. After all, haven't you provided food, shelter, clothing, and such things all the child's life without expecting to be paid back? Generally, the problem seems to be the parent's wish for the child to have a lot of things whether or not the child can earn or afford them on his own. It is easy for the parent to get amounts of money the child has to work hard for or save for over a long time. Ten dollars to a parent may not be much, but it may represent five lawns mowed to a child. We tend to try to make our child's life easier and full of more things than the child can earn himself. When we do this, we cheat the child out of the learning experience that will help him in adult life a lot more than the thing provided will now.

If you decide to go ahead and lend the child money to buy that thing he wants so he won't have to wait until next month to get it, be careful. You are setting up a potential relationship problem where you are going to be tempted to be responsible for getting the child to pay you back. If you don't expect the child to pay you back and still call it a loan, the child will be pretty confused. The First National Bank won't do this when he grows up. If you do expect the debt to be paid you will have an uphill climb to get it done. Remember, in this case all the motivation will be yours. Trying to make your child be responsible for his debts to you will be just another way of trying to control his behavior directly, and I warn you this approach probably won't work. Maybe it would be better to make the child wait until he can afford the thing on his own.

Many a parent has come to me with a child out of control where a central issue between them is getting the child up in time for school. After the child is capable of understanding the consequences of being late, refuse to get the child up in the morning. Make it the child's responsibility. I am afraid many parents lose perspective on the whole picture of their children's lives. There are some things more important than making an "A" in social studies.

I remember the mother who was having a full-scale battle with her twelve-year-old son every morning. This boy was fully capable of making the decision to get up or not get up on school mornings. The mother had taken the responsibility of getting the boy up so, naturally, the boy gave her the whole problem. All he had to do was to fool his mother and he could sleep as late as he wished.

I suggested she get him an alarm clock and tell him getting up was his problem from now on. If he made it up on time, he could eat breakfast with her and she would fix it. He also would not have to walk to school because he could ride the bus. If he didn't make it up in time it was his problem whether he got anything to eat, got a ride to school, or even made it to school at all.

To add a little incentive, I also suggested when he did get up on time she fix his favorite breakfast and take time to eat with him. She was also to give him her complete attention during breakfast. She was to speak cheerfully to him during these times, and never, never fuss at him or nag him about being late. Under no circumstances was she to wake him up or remind him what time it was.

Can you see the principles of common-sense behavior modification coming into play? She was to reward him for taking responsible actions for himself and not to reward (fussing or nagging is attention) him for being late. She also told him about the arrangement to help him learn the rules more easily. Being told the rules helps people know what they are. Usually, they won't believe the rules are real until they experience them, however.

Well, the first morning after this arrangement this mother had a very sore tongue from biting it but she made it. Naturally, he was late, missed breakfast, and had to walk to school. He survived it. The next few mornings things were back and forth a bit with him being late sometimes and making it up in time for breakfast sometimes. She was extra nice to him when he ate breakfast with her and he got a good breakfast. He also made it to school on time because he was able to ride the bus.

One day she came for her appointment with a huge smile on her face. She told me he was getting up on time every day, they were having a nice breakfast together and he was actually getting better grades in school. She wasn't having to do anything more than take care of getting herself off to work. They were both eating a better breakfast and getting along together much better.

I will have to admit, this wasn't the only thing she was doing differently. She came to me originally because the boy was rapidly becoming a severe behavior problem. We were also working on other aspects of their relationship at the same time, but still using these same principles.

This brings up the issue of "What if?" which is bound to occur. What if the child is in the first grade and afraid to go to school? That child obviously is not able to make the wise choice and should not be allowed to have the choice yet. What if the boy in the previous example got up too late to catch the bus and it was sleeting and snowing outside? What if a child continually makes choices that are destructive?

There are no hard-and-fast rules. That's where you earn your money as a parent or teacher. You will have to make the decision yourself. As Harry Truman once said when he was president, "The buck stops here." All you can do is your best. You can use these ideas and information to help you in making your decision about what to do when each situation comes up. You probably will make a lot of mistakes. I think you will make fewer if you follow these ideas, because I believe in them, and have seen them work over and over again.

Of course, there are going to be situations that are extraordinary. There will be children who need professional help with their problems. You may need professional help in doing a better job of guiding your children. The basic theme remains the same, however. Your children need to learn to become responsible persons and these principles apply to most normal situations. They should help, but in the end it will be up to you.

Raising children is a job that requires a lot of wisdom and the ability to keep a perspective that allows you to see the overall picture. Learning a sense of responsibility takes a very high priority in my view.