Before we can begin, we must agree on what is to be accomplished. If you do not agree with the ideas in this chapter, this book is not for you. The purpose of this chapter is to answer the question "What is the job of parents?" so we can be on the same footing. Throughout the book, we will also be looking at what is not the job of parents since that is where most parents seem to have trouble in dealing with their children.

In my years as a practicing psychologist I have spent many hours with parents trying to guide them into the basic principles included in this book. Most of the problems I have had in getting the parents to try these concepts have revolved around their fixed ideas about how to raise children. They seem to hold on to previous attitudes and beliefs even though those ideas have not brought about positive results. If you will read this book with an open mind and try the principles presented here, I think you will be pleased with the results. Remember to keep in mind the primary job as I define it here when you are trying these things.

I think the real job of parents is to guide a completely dependent person to become a completely independent person who has the skills to build a responsible, rewarding, satisfying life according to that person's wishes. Notice that does not mean according to the parent's wishes. The child's life does not belong to the parents. It belongs to the child. Now, this does not mean the parents should not instill moral values into their children's lives. That is a primary duty of parents. However, the values should be ones that will enhance the child's ability to fulfill the basic need to have a responsible, rewarding, satisfying life rather than the ones the parents have arbitrarily decided their children will have.

There, I have said it. That one paragraph should do the trick. The only problem is you are dealing with the most complex thing in the cosmos. Computers, space ships, and even the stars cannot begin to approach the complexity of a human being. You will need a lot of wisdom as well as knowledge to accomplish this task.

Just qualifying to reproduce biologically does not mean you have all the ingredients to be a good parent. You have one of the most difficult, complicated, and rewarding jobs humans can have when you raise a child. Whether you do your job well or not will in a large measure determine the well-being of your child. What a responsibility! If you will teach your children to be well-mannered, responsible people, you will find they, and you, will be much more welcome around other people.

Now, don't go and get the big-head. You will not be the only influence on your child and whether he succeeds in life will also be due to his own efforts. You won't get much of the glory, and you won't really deserve much of it, but you also don't deserve all of the blame if the child turns out to be a hoodlum. The child deserves a good part of the real credit, or blame.

You get the sometimes thankless job of being sure he develops the skills to succeed. Whether he succeeds or not is also up to the child. The reward you do have coming is the satisfaction of a job well done and of sharing the life of another person.

Granted, raising a child is a big job, and not always an easy one, but there is no need to be grim about it. Don't take raising your child so seriously that you become a stern-faced, nit-picking perfectionist. I wish I had been less serious when our children were growing up, and in some cases expected less from them. I wish I had been wiser in setting priorities.

The nice thing about learning to use behavior modification techniques is if you are good at it, they can help make dealing with your child easier and more enjoyable. If you are able to prevent major problems from developing, your life will be easier and so will that of your child.

I want to make a point about behavior modification. It is valuable and useful in many situations, but by itself will not solve every problem. When you go to the store to buy a pair of socks, you don't need to worry about what size to buy because one size fits all. Socks these days are made to stretch to fit whatever foot is placed into them. It's not this way with people--they are very complex and one method of dealing with people and their problems won't always be enough.

As I said, a human being is the most complex thing in the universe. Our modern spaceships with their computers are primitive when compared with the complexity of a human being. Somehow, we seem to be more impressed by a computer than by a person.

Because of this complexity you will find this book won't fit all the situations you will encounter in raising your children. This book is purposely kept on a single subject: Modifying the behaviors of people--specifically, children--using proven concepts and principles of behavior modification. In some situations, other methods will be needed.

I have had many people come to me with problems involved in raising their children. Many times it has been necessary to invoke several different methods together to resolve the problems. So, don't get mad at me if you can't seem to make your child's behavior problem fit into one of the neat categories I talk about in this book. The problem may not be conducive to behavior modification at all and it may be another way of dealing with it would produce better results.

Psychologists have many years of schooling and experience in evaluating how particular people and particular problems can be best corrected. Even they can't always find the best solution, or even any solution that will work. They don't have any magic answers--only different answers. If all goes as it should, the answers and methods work, but there are times when even the experts cannot provide solutions.

However, the basic principles I discuss in this book will apply to many different situations that will arise during the process of raising children. The cause-and-effect aspects I describe will still hold true while other things are going on.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, because usually the problems encountered are fairly simple to work with using fairly simple methods. I think the generally most effective approach is that which I talk about on the following pages. Usually these methods will be of great help if they are used correctly. Usually, you won't have such a hard time figuring out what to do. In the event you can't find something in this book which will help you there is always the answer the advice columns give: Seek professional help. After all, the psychologists are supposed to know a lot more about human behavior than is covered in just this one book.

I remember when I was in graduate school learning to be a psychologist, one of my professors gave me the most difficult final exam I ever had. The exam had only one question and I could take it home and work on the answer as long as I liked using all the help I could get. I forget what the question was but I remember how much I learned in answering it. The question was very general but the application was huge. I think my definition of the job of a parent is like that. The definition is very general, but the application of the concept covers a lot of territory. You can work on it at home or wherever you wish. You can work on it as long as you wish. You can get all the help you need. You can raise a neat kid. You can learn a lot.